Santa Clara Meditation Q&A by Members – What is the hardest truth you had to accept that made you stronger?
My Husband and I found out 5yrs ago that my second Son had symptoms of ADHD. Before that, we couldn’t understand why he wasn’t able to concentrate well. He always forgot something and couldn’t sit to study at all. He also had a speech problem. As an infant, he was ill all the time. He couldn’t sleep for 3hrs straight, and so I couldn’t sleep well either. While raising him, I always thought to myself; ‘why does it have to be my Son that’s like that?’ ‘Why is he ill? “Why is he different from other children?” “What did I do wrong?” I kept on blaming the situation. But nothing got any better thinking this way.
Have you ever felt like you had a big, tangled thread in your head? I have. I blamed myself for not being able to help him. When he was sick at night, it was terrifying, but I couldn’t help him much. I always doubted that he would grow properly like the other kids. Whenever I saw him start to stammer, I doubted if he would be able to get a job after graduation. I was pessimistic about him in every aspect. When he began to go to nursery school, I was always comparing him to other kids.
In my eyes, I saw only his shortcomings. I tried to hide him from others, like my friends and my neighbors. I didn’t accept him or feel proud of my Son. This dark side of me made that tangle of thread in my head more tangled. It hurt so bad. The most terrible thing was that I didn’t accept that he was ill and needed help. I didn’t give him any chance to improve. I just gave him up and wanted to blame the situation.
When he was 10, he was diagnosed with intellectual and developmental disabilities. At first, I couldn’t accept this. I told myself, ‘he’s ok. He’s not disabled.’ The more I denied the truth, the more my mind became ill. I remember the day when I made up my mind to accept the truth. I thought, what would another wiser mother do if they were my Son’s mother? I bet she would indeed accept my Son’s circumstances and start to give him a proper education.
I started doing meditation, which changed my mind from my perspective to the universe’s perspective. This made me that wiser mother. I am so grateful for this meditation that I have been practicing. Due to the meditation, I had the energy and optimism to help my Son go to the speech therapist, enter a special school, and even do meditation.
Now I see my Son as he is, and I know that he is already perfect. I know that everything that came in this world is as perfect as this whole universe. I realize that my Son was not designed to fit into my narrow framework of acceptability. I no longer see my Son as a flaw in my life anymore. I’m no longer pessimistic about his future life anymore. My beloved Son and I now live in the moment. Our lives have now become truly joyful.
by Donna Seo
