Santa Clara Meditation Happiness – Escaped From the Wounds That I Got From Others, Which Was the Cause of My Anxiety
Kyung-mi Kim / Homemaker
Kyung-mi Kim was always anxious and nervous during her school days when she had to be in full swing. Feeling that she had a problem with her own mind, she started practicing meditation. And now, the days of having a heavy mind of carrying all the worries of the world are gone. “I realized, the world was so bright and shiny, but I was stuck in my mind.” This is the story of Kyung-mi who says that she lives in the original happy world now that we had intended to live in.
I had continuous anxiety without reason. I felt there was a problem with my mind
I was always anxious and impatient. I had a lot of worries and thoughts before exams, the day before grade announcements, and before almost anything I would do. Even my friends said to me, “You have so many worries.” When my anxiety persisted even as a high school student, I went to see a doctor to get counseling. But the doctor didn’t think it was that serious. I wanted to laugh sincerely at least once, that’s why I started a meditation practice.
Later on, I’ve gotten to know that it was so difficult for me because I felt like I had to be the one to save the world. But the world took care of itself, fed it, and nurtured it by itself, but I couldn’t trust the universe. The moment after I realized that, I became really comfortable. Now I don’t have to struggle to live, but I just have to live by following nature.
When I was young, my parents had a lot of expectations of me saying things like, “You have to be good because you are the firstborn,” “You have to be good at studying,” “You have to be polite,” and so on. That was very stressful. I couldn’t meet my parents’ high expectations, and I just wanted to escape. I drew a lot of pictures to ease my mind. That gave me the opportunity to major in visual (graphic) design. I drew pretty characters like princesses, but I used to draw very evil characters at the same time. Looking back, that was my mind. I admire goodness, but behind that, my mind was filled with a lot of hatred and resentment.
It’s amazing that the minds that I had, such as inferiority and pride, could really be emptied
In March 2004, as soon as I graduated from college, I started this meditation, and I felt so comfortable without knowing what it was. I have never felt so comfortable like this. I was really able to throw away my anxiety and worries. I was so grateful and surprised that it actually emptied because these are the minds that have ruled me for over 20 years.
When I looked into my mind deeply, it was the feeling of inferiority that controlled me the most. I had inferiority for love. For example, my mom said one time, she ran to my brother who was crying because I was pinching and scratching my little brother. When I was young it was a big thing even in my subconscious that my mother’s love was stolen from me and given to my younger brother.
Since I had a lot of desire to be loved more than anyone else, I was always jealous of the prettier and more talented people than me, and as a result, I couldn’t escape my anxiety and impatient mind.
A new world unfolds as much as I escape from myself
Those minds such as inferiority, pride, the desire for love, and wanting to be good had to be discarded. I wanted to throw away all my narrow minds completely. I meditated diligently; I was desperate. Thanks to that, I was able to escape from those narrow self-centered minds. It was such a miracle to me.
I used to never believe in people. I just hated human beings because I had such anxiety that this person will not like me if I do something wrong. However, one old story came to me while I was meditating. When I was in 6th grade in elementary school, I had a very close friend. One day my friends gossiped behind my back without explaining to me what mistake I made. I cried all day long. It was so shocking at that time that it affected my whole life. I didn’t want to be hurt again. Luckily, I was able to completely escape from those wounds since I kept throwing them away.
If there is only hate and resentment in my mind, I can only see hate and resentment. And if there is universe in my mind, I can see others as expressions of the universe and treat them as the universe. Now my mistrust is gone and I can love truly since I can see the universe in everyone and see the center of the mind. After abandoning the self of Kyung-mi Kim, who lived in that narrowly framed world, a whole new world was opened in front of me. A whole new world unfolds as much as I escape from myself.
