Santa Clara Meditation Letting Go – What is the rudest/meanest thing a family member has said to you?
As soon as I saw this question, two memories came to my mind. The first one is what my brother, who was two years younger than me, said when I was 17. “You’re so selfish that you don’t have any friends around you.” And the second thing I remember is what my mother said to me, when I lived like I was fighting a war every day raising two children in my late 30’s, “I didn’t spend that much money on you just to be a housewife. Why on earth did you go to graduate school?”
Isn’t our family the most aware of our shortcomings? They always know whether you are lying or telling the truth. I don’t think what my brother and my mom said to me was far from the truth. But the moment I heard those painful words, I was so angry, that they were engraved in my heart as if an enemy had spoken them rather than a loved one.
Yes, I was selfish. I didn’t like lending money to my friends, and I hated wasting my precious time helping them or listening to their stories. That’s right. I wasted other people’s money besides my own money. I thought it was my natural privilege as a child to go to college and graduate school and my parents should pay for it. I also used to sneakily hide away my scholarship money so I could go on a spending spree for myself.
Now that I look back on my life, I’ve lived like a hamster bustling around in a transparent acrylic box. I only made friends to hide my selfishness and made up my appearance to hide my real self which I thought to be shabby.
How am I now? Now at age 46, I have forgiven my family for saying those heartbreaking words to me and have come to accept myself as I am. I no longer live as a hamster in a box. What happened in the past is no longer in my mind. There is only now. Always living in the present, I am so happy. I overcame my past wounds. I am able to consider and think about my family and friends ahead of myself. I am able to do this because I found a meditation method to get rid of all my past baggage and my narrow minded thoughts. I am now able to see the bigger picture and consider everyone around me which is much more fulfilling.
by Donna Seo
