Santa Clara Meditation Self Reflection – Live in a World Where I Hate Nobody
Mikyung Lee / Public Official
I majored in nursing in Daegu and worked at a university hospital and a mental hospital, and since 1999, I joined a public health center and have been working as a nursing public servant.
It was in 2012 when I started meditation. The reason I started meditation was because of the conflicts I was having with my husband and daughter. Because I had a bad temper, I often quarreled with my husband. Once while we were having a fight, I thought that I had great patience because I didn’t speak to him for 2-3 weeks.
I started this meditation to resolve conflicts with children
Even if I couldn’t control my husband, I thought my two daughters would at least do what I wanted. But as they became adolescents, they became more stubborn like me and combative. It was really like being in a war because I was under a lot of stress. I screamed to get the stress out but I couldn’t stand my anger.
I thought the kids had a lot of problems, so I sent them to the church’s Sunday school and a week-long camp during the week. But instead of changing, they became more annoyed, saying that they had memorized Sa-Ja-So-Hak (a Children’s Educational Book from the Chosun Dynasty) all night. They declared that they would never go to that place again.
I hated the situation that my daughters and I were fighting all the time, so I thought about sending the kids to volunteer to help the “National Land Campaign.” While searching for the camp on the internet, I came to know about this Meditation Youth Camp. That’s how I discovered their homepage. I was interested in reading the experiences that were posted there. It sounded too good to be true so I spent time wondering if it could actually be as good as it sounded in the post. The winter vacation camp period was over so I decided to travel by train with my kids to attend the course at the meditation main center.
The week at the main center that changed my life
First Day—The first day I went to the main center, I was amazed. The restaurant had a very long line for dinner. I was upset when I came here, but people seemed so friendly and helpful. I was surprised to find so many people who were interested in improving their minds.
Looking Back—As I started meditation and looked back at myself, I realized that all the conflicts were caused by my negative mind. I was the youngest of five siblings, and my father passed away when I was in fourth grade. My mother raised 5 children alone and as a result of this, I had a great sense of inferiority and worry due to the difficult financial situation my family faced. As I watched my mother’s life, I thought, “Life is pain.”
Subtracting Mind—After subtracting these minds that I held onto, I was embarrassed that I was fighting with my daughter and my husband. I was begging my family to protect me. Until then, I thought of my life as a story that in my mind I thought I was doing the right thing. But there was only one title to label my life: “The life of a bum!” When I looked back, I saw how ridiculous I was. When a few days passed, I think it was Wednesday, I felt like my mind was really empty, and I just felt like I found out the value of the world. So, it’s a very funny story, but while walking with a little kid, I said, “Ask me anything, I think I can answer everything.” As time passed, my negative minds disappeared, and my gratitude for the world arose. Until then, I thought ‘thank you’ was a word that only appeared in a dictionary, and I thought I was doing well, but now I could truly be thankful for everything.
That week became a “turning point” that completely changed my life. My mind full of my own ideas and conceptions was emptied and I began to feel my original nature before all these minds were added to it. At the same time, I started to feel grateful for my life. The people who finished this meditation could know the principles of the world. Through the meditation practice, I was convinced that I had changed a lot already and found hope that I could actually be on the road to perfection as well.
The remarkable effect of meditation at a local center
After visiting the main center, I registered at the local center and set a goal to meditate for 3 hours a day. One day while I was meditating my breath felt as if I ate peppermint candy. It was full and cool. I learned that there are many feelings of depression and emptiness deep in my heart. I have done a lot of overseas travel and English studies before. At the time, I thought it was because I had a global mind, but I realized that it was because I had to make up for my feelings of depression and emptiness.
As I continued to meditate, I learned that I had a fear of death that was underlying the feeling of depression and emptiness. I suffered the death of my father when I was a child, and I saw many deaths while working at a general hospital. One day, a professor who taught pathology in college died in my ward. After that, I became so terrified when I thought about death, and I knew I couldn’t avoid it, so I just tried to avoid thinking about it. However, during the meditation, all that fear was resolved, and not only did my mind improve but so did my body.
In the past, I had a jaw joint disorder so my jaw was dislocated often. Due to this condition, I could not open my mouth wide to eat and it was difficult to yawn. Also, when I slept I often had nightmares, and on the weekends I slept like the most tired person on earth. I lived without knowing how my mind and body were so seriously affected; but now I was getting better and better.
Extremely calm mind, days without envy
As a result of continuing the meditation, I am living the life of perfection after 1 year and 4 months of meditating.
There is really nothing in the world to envy. My mind always went back and forth, it was so complicated but now my mind is calm and at ease. Now my mind can be where the body is, in the “here and now.” This has become possible for me at all times.
It is so freeing to feel that there is no one in the world that I hate. Of course, when I had a mind that could accept anything, the relationship with my family was naturally resolved, the conflict disappeared and our minds could be together as one.
It is a very good world now. Because there is a way to get rid of the minds that we hold on to, anyone can achieve this. If my life can change in a year or more, I am sure anyone can do it and there is nothing more important and urgent than achieving human completion.
