Santa Clara Meditation Self Realization – I’m Finally At Ease!
Sunae Koo / Homemaker
I began meditating at the request of my husband and daughter. Before I knew about this meditation, I was the kind of person who was terrified to deal with new situations. Now that I’m meditating every day, I’m secure enough to go visit family in the hospital – and I’m so grateful.
Looking Back, My Mind Was in as Much Pain as My Body
When I saw my elderly mother-in-law laying in her hospital bed, I saw a woman who had a long, lonely struggle in her 80 years of life. I saw the restless agonies due to her tens of thousands of thoughts throughout her lifetime. I really felt like if I had not begun meditating, my future would have looked the same.
I used to think that as we got older that we just kind of physically got into worse and worse condition. I thought that we just had a mind full of memories and our body would fall apart until our life was eventually extinguished. But, after meditating, I feel like I’m always starting my first day and my life is only beginning.
Just two years ago, I didn’t know that I would be able to live in the present with no past and no future. I didn’t always want to practice meditation in the beginning. Besides that, I’d been sick for so long, I was too tired and afraid to start new things like this. When I was in my 50s, my husband was the one who encouraged me to look back on my life through this meditation. I could see how much my daughter changed through meditation and that was also encouraging.
I was surprised to learn what the mind actually is; how my mind drove me to act a certain way since the early days of my childhood – all based on my remembered thoughts. I can’t even describe the feeling of finding out how I truly was.
I had lived with pain in my entire body. I was in so much pain that I was being treated as a cancer patient even though the doctors couldn’t diagnose me. Eventually, they found out that I have some malformed bones that are causing my pain. I didn’t realize how closely related my body and my mind were. I later learned through meditation that not only were my bones malformed, so was the shape of my mind.
This Is Exactly What the Shape of My Mind Was
I was always obsessed with recognition and praise. I carried all kinds of burdens and lack of self-restraint. With regards to my responsibility and duty to my family, I had inferiority about my role as a wife and a mother. I had always struggled with illness. I had a lot of standards and all kinds of rules about life and I’d pushed my ideas on my daughter, making her life harder.
I’ve never really lived in the present because I always had past and future concerns about my body and my health. I knew that the wildflowers bloomed on the roadside without any envy towards the roses just beyond the fence. I knew that the birds flew in the sky and the rabbits lived in the fields and just lived without any worry about what to do today or tomorrow. I knew these things and yet I just didn’t know how to live in the moment.
When I meditated, looking back at myself was painful. It felt like I was watching a movie of my life. You don’t know how happy and hopeful I became when I realized it wasn’t really me! Everything was just a bunch of pictures that I took and stored in my mind world. When I saw it like this, it was easy to let go of when I meditated.
Every moment I can confirm that the Universe is the “true me” thrills me. It wasn’t easy to say goodbye to the familiar things that I lived with and so firmly believed in my mind. But gradually, after letting go of my mind and my body – the way I had pictured it – I realized that throwing away all these false things made me feel free and peaceful.
I Feel at Ease, Finally
Now that I don’t have any mind about my past, I have better outcomes. My health has improved because I let go of all the thinking I had regarding my obsession with my sickness. These days, I do what I can do. I don’t obsess over doing well and I don’t feel pressure regarding the things I can’t do. Getting rid of all the thoughts that used to float around in my mind has made me more focused and now I can just see the world exactly as it is, particularly, with regards to my daughter.
I was so happy to be able to see my daughter without any of my old thoughts. She is exactly who she is and that is a beautiful existence. It’s hard to believe that all of our arguing has stopped and now the only thing that remains is warm and quiet conversations. And we’re still communicating very well.
By letting go of all of my attachments, I didn’t lose anything. I was letting go to become one with the Universe. Meditation isn’t just about having better health or becoming more relaxed, it gave me clear answers about the reason and purpose of why we are here and how we should live. Unlimited freedom doesn’t mean just being able to physically come and go as you please, it means being free from your old self and becoming your True self. The honor and success that everybody so desires is not achieved by ceaselessly striving, but by throwing away the pictures in your mind.
I went from lying sick in bed, to a wheelchair, to crutches, to standing up on my own two feet – and ultimately being able to travel abroad. It’s deeply touching to feel that I’m finally back after a long, tough journey. Thank you to everyone in this meditation. I’m so grateful to be happy again.
