Santa Clara Meditation Happiness – I Am Comfortable Enough To Think That This Place Is Heaven
Mike
I lived working extremely hard, and I lived being kind and good. Even when I heard others say, “This is good enough,” I was always worried. I had unhappy thoughts, anxious and restless thoughts, and thus I did not think I was happy. My father was not around when I was young, so I endured a lot of hardships in a difficult environment and a difficult family life. Even though there were so many things I wanted to do, I had to restrain myself. After school, I was responsible for everything at home. What I was unable to enjoy at the time, I have. Now in my current profession, studies, and even financially I am not lacking for anything. But there is an emptiness that has continued to dominate me. I went to the meditation center without any expectation. I did not even know what people do at that center, but I just went on my acquaintance’s recommendation. Even as I write these words, I am comfortable enough to think that this place is heaven.
In the beginning, I was not able to adapt to the meditation and what I learned in the consultation room. I continued to analyze, ponder, and thought this meditation is similar to this theory or that theory, so I could not concentrate on my meditation. Since then, I have immersed myself in the meditation, coming to learn about a ‘me’ that I did not know of. As I recalled my life, I cried, I was embarrassed, and at times I even wanted to die. Now I know that happiness and misery, all these things, are contained within the pictures that I created in my mind. I lived within my own oppression of having to be ‘good and kind’ and I lived within my compulsion to be perfect. I created my own hell in my mind. I created this self that just suppressed, suppressed, and suppressed. This is the first time I reflected on my life and came to understand. Now, in order to live happily, I will continue to meditate. I am grateful to the teachers who have guided me to live a new life.
