Santa Clara Meditation Self Reflection – You Who Always Listened To Me Have Changed My Life
Soon-hee Lee / Homemaker
I have a friend who lives in my neighborhood and she is same age as me. I met her by coincidence and we had a great conversation and thus became very close friends. Even though I’m the type of person who doesn’t trust others, but I can trust her. Because whenever I talk to her, she is always ready to listen me. I’m usually afraid of being rejected when I tell others my opinion, but she is different. She never says, “You are wrong” and she always says positive words. Because of that, I was able to open up to her honestly about all my stories, even my deep painful secrets. She always listens me.
“How could you just listen to me and always take my side without any judgment?”
“My mom had a strong desire to have her own son. She already had four daughters and I was her fifth one. She complained about having me and that hurt me a lot. I always pretended that I was okay with that, when I really wasn’t okay. I always felt sad and frustrated and I had a strong sense of inferiority because of my mom. I always thought of myself worse than a bug.” I cried a lot and repeated the same words again and again.
But, my friend was the only one who listened to me for over fours years without ever complaining about that. I could purge all my negative words to her and I felt lighter after I was done.
She was the very first one to just carefully listen to my words, but never judged me
She always served me hot tea and encouraged me that I’m doing good. I spoke to her about my issues with husband, money. She was the very first one to listen to me without ever judging me. I asked her one day, “How can you just listen me and always take my side without any judgments?” And she laughs and says that “I don’t have to because you have answered all while talking.” I really appreciated her for saying that. And like she said, I was able to find answers after letting out my pain and burden to her.
I began to understand my parents and that it was because their lives were so difficult. I started to feel sorry to my husband because I mistakenly judged that he is the one who is not flexible, when he really wasn’t that way. Just as my friend listened to all my words and accepted them, I realized my husband, too, probably wanted to feel that from me. If for even one moment, a wife could be on her husband’s side no matter what, perhaps he would gain strength. I wanted to try that meditation that my friend was doing and see what it is like. That is how I came to meditate.
I wanted to try this meditation as she did
I could see myself from the third person’s viewpoint while practicing this meditation. I had lived believing that only my experiences were right, and other people’s thoughts to be wrong. The trauma I suffered in childhood made me give up all the opportunities and love from my family and people around me. I never thought of overcoming my trauma, but kept on feeling inferior and blaming, “I can’t do anything because of my mom.” I was too lazy to get over my inferiority. But, for the first time in my life, I was able to see what was within me and was able to work on that. My life had been difficult due to my mind because I had been interpreting other people’s actions and words my way.
After I practiced this meditation, I could understand why my friend had listened to me well. Because she threw away her mind, and had no preconceptions about me, she could have a big mind. I wish I can become like her and I want to be a person who is able to listen to my husband and children. Thank you, Ok-lan.
