Santa Clara Meditation Depression – Severe Drinking Habits And A Story Of Overcoming Depression
What is her behavior when drunk?
The girl who used to drink alcohol and use some violence: she is tall, has long straight hair, a cool smile, even has a pretty appearance, and volunteered as an English translator. She was a very capable person. A year ago, she was drinking so much that she could not bear it, and she lived like a zombie. Even though we were meeting for the first time, she was comfortable enough to tell me her dark past without hesitation. She says she spends her days full of energy, eliminating through meditation her addiction to alcohol and depression. Now here is the true story about her subtraction meditation experience.
When did you first drink?
During high school on our 11th grade school trip. Isn’t it okay to drink when you’re in 11th grade in high school? (Right?) I drank with my friends, but ever since then I wanted to keep drinking. I felt free. At that time, the owner of the bar didn’t check everyone’s IDs thoroughly. With the exception of my skin elasticity being slightly different, my face is the same as it was in 11th grade of high school. I didn’t dress up intentionally, just dressed casually in shorts and a tee-shirt to go drink.
So I guess your face looks mature? How much did you drink?
I don’t know how much I drank; I just thought I’m going to drink until the end. Since I was a student at that time, I drank only about twice a week. Snacks were not important. It was important to get drunk.
Have you ever been caught by your parents?
I pretended I wasn’t drunk. I brushed my teeth, sprayed perfume, and went home, but they probably knew. When I drink alcohol, I become violent. One day I woke up cold and found myself sleeping in the stairwell of an apartment that was on the way to school. My cell phone was crushed, I had no shoes, and my bags and clothes were downstairs. I had to call my mom on a pay phone and take a taxi home barefoot. I later realized that was the apartment I would pass every day on my way to school thinking, ‘Someday I am going to jump off that building.’ So while I was drunk, I must’ve been thinking to die, which explains why I took off my shoes. But I must’ve fallen asleep halfway up to the roof of the apartment.
Well, it’s worse than I thought. Do you always black out when you drink?
At first, I feel very good, rapidly get down in the dumps, and then I black out. I always heard the story of the aftermath from my friends. They said I got angry, hit my friends, broke things, and screamed on the street.
Oh, you look nice on the outside, but there’s a lot in your mind?
There were many things I couldn’t express. I studied well in middle school, but my grades didn’t improve even when I went to high school. It seemed like all my friends knew the answers, but I felt like I didn’t know and I was under a lot of stress. My mom scolded and hit me a lot because I went from a top student to a poor student. Then I would think, ‘It’s not like I drink alcohol or smoke. What did I do so wrong that I should live like this? If I’m just going to get scolded by my parents, I’m just going to lose my life.’ I decided to ruin it.
Your parents must have been shocked.
Yes. By then, my parents had a bad relationship and my first brother died of a congenital disorder. Then even I didn’t study, so they must have felt a great sense of loss. I tried my best, but when they scolded me, I thought, ‘I can’t do this. I’m useless and stupid.’ I lied a lot when I was with my friends. I pretended to study, using white colored pencils to just draw lines. I had no true relationships with my family or friends. Then my mom left home. After that, I relied heavily on my boyfriend. I sent him a message once per second, ‘Where are you? What are you doing? Why aren’t you replying? I think I already had depression at that time. I got bad migraines, and I felt so terrible that whenever I felt I pain I thought I would die soon. My boyfriend endured and endured, but eventually left me, after which I cried every day and didn’t eat. So I lost 20 pounds in a month. I tried to take medicine to die, but my stomach hurt so much that I couldn’t die. My grandmother came to care for me and it flashed across my mind: I should come to my senses and live my life. But I couldn’t do it well. I was cooped up at home and every day that I had a hard time, I posted my feelings on Facebook. One of my high school classmates saw my post and asked me to meditate together with her. Now my depression has gotten much better. That’s how I got to meditate.
On the surface, I wouldn’t even have guessed you had such a story. What was it like to meditate?
As you can see, I’ve become a normal person even without a drink. At first I couldn’t help but meditate because I was so mentally exhausted. I thought I should keep going because I felt so comfortable after discarding the minds that made it so difficult. As I meditated I saw and hated myself who was a drunk, cursing the world telling it to crash down and I felt so pathetic. In the second level of meditation, I clearly felt that I had been living the wrong way. I recalled and threw away the people and the scenes I had piled up in my mind. And then I realized that I had gotten stuck in place and I distorted and believed, ‘I suffered and I’m a pitiful person.’ I wasn’t a victim of the scene where my mom hit me. There’s a saying that you get slapped on the face by one and you take out your anger on another. Like that, I was just taking out my feelings on someone else, drinking and hitting my innocent friends. I am sorry and grateful to my boyfriend for taking my hysteria for a long time. It was a turning point in my life. I decided that I should discard all of this and do the meditation to the end.
Wow, that’s amazing. Then do you not drink after that?
If I get a chance to drink, I still drink. But since there is no such thing as depression, stress and futility, I don’t drink alcohol deliberately to relieve my feelings. If I’m in a bad mood, I can take it out at that time with by using the discarding method of meditation, so I don’t have to use the alcohol to vent my feelings. In a word, it’s a constant release. The person who helped me when I first started meditation said, ‘After you do this meditation, you will only walk when you walk and you can just eat when you eat.’ I thought it was nonsense then. Because I was a moving zombie, while walking down the street, I was stuck in my mind and so I didn’t know anyone I knew was right in front of me. And I thought of tens of thousands of things while eating. But now that’s my story.
How are you these days?
I feel like I’m losing my lethargy and getting more energetic. In the past, I had a mood control disorder, which was great when I was in a good mood, but if I was annoyed, it went for days. Later I thought, ‘Why am I so annoyed?’ But that’s gone. How was it possible for the ‘me’ of one year ago to be annoyed all day long without tiring? That’s more fascinating.
Lastly, what do you want to say to young people who spend their time drinking?
There may be a few moments of pleasure while drinking, but I would like to say, “Let’s focus the money, energy, and physical strength that we spend on drinking to empty our minds.” There’s nothing we can resolve or accomplish with alcohol. From a logical standpoint, this meditation is an investment that has a tremendous impact. We can be free of stress, always free, and there’s no need to be self-conscious and there’s nothing to hide. It’s the best way to love me the way I am.
