Santa Clara Meditation Clean Mind – What is the meaning of life?
The answer to the question “What is the meaning of life?” is about the significance of existence generally. Other related questions include: “Why are we here?”, “What is life all about?” or “What is the purpose of existence?”
Mostly, we don’t live every moment thinking about the meaning of life.
We think of life’s meaning when we have hardship when a trusted person leaves us or betrays us when things that we put a lot of effort into fail, when something that we thought made life meaningful disappears suddenly or when a close person dies. We think, “What does it all mean?” At that time, you might feel like you lost the purpose of living and feel empty.
Since I was young, I felt deep futility about life; I don’t know why. My body was in the world eating, breathing, and moving. But I always questioned. “Why do I live?” and “What should I live for?” I wondered what my daily routines meant. I lived with people, but I felt empty and lonely as if I were the only one in the world. A sense of futility would come when I opened my eyes in the morning. It was hard to endure the emptiness and futility that seemed to have a hold on my heart.
It didn’t seem very meaningful to hang out or chat with friends my age. I chose instead to read books or study alone. It didn’t feel like many people were genuinely close to each other, and I thought that I couldn’t find much meaning in relationships with people. I started to do things that I could accomplish on my own. While I set a goal and put my strength and effort into achieving it, I was able to leave the futility behind. I pushed myself hard to overcome the barriers of uncertainty worry about failure. “You can do it.” I used to say to myself. It was uplifting to achieve my goals. I pushed myself with courage and pride to achieve them. When I felt like I could accomplish something, I felt alive and good about myself.
Studying for school, exams, college entrance exams, company entrance exams. And after entering the company, exploring new areas to switch to other fields, obtaining certificates, upgrading English test scores, promotions, etc. The thrilling excitement I felt when I achieved my goals made me feel alive. It made me feel like my existence was meaningful. But the excitement didn’t last much more than a day. The following day, deeper futility and emptiness seemed more unbearable. So, I would set a new goal to overcome futility. While I was pushing myself late one night to achieve my dream, I had symptoms of Bell’s palsy. One side of my face became swollen and paralyzed with no sensation. I couldn’t speak well or chew my food well. As it got worse, my eyes and mouth began to turn upward.
While being treated at the hospital, I looked back on the days I had lived. What have I lived for? A moment of satisfaction, cheers, and excitement around me, but eventually, my body broke down, and if this got worse, I would have to quit my job and not be able to live a good life. The result of all of that pushing myself was just having one certificate and a job. That was all. All that I accomplished so far in life was to satisfy my hunger and eventually collapse. What’s the point of living like this?
The emptiness that had been suppressing so far poured out all at once. I thought, what do you do when you’re getting sick, old, and dying? This life is going to disappear anyway, so what’s the point of living? Why should I live my life day by day with pain? Wouldn’t it be better to die now? However, fear of death only added to my anxiety. I couldn’t die, I didn’t have the strength to live, and I felt lethargic. I couldn’t find the answer to why I lived and where I was going when I died. My sense of futility just grew. No one had a solution, even if I cried all night and struggled. I was holding on like a zombie day by day.
Then one day, a ray of light shone on me. I started to do meditation. I realized that all my life, I was only grabbing at straws. With the help of the meditation guide, I looked back on my life. I was surprised that there were so many stories in me as my life turned around like a film. Like those who have near-death experiences say, the life I have lived so far turned like a movie film in my mind. I could see myself lonely and see myself struggling. I started to throw away these images of my life, looking back as if I watched a movie. The more I threw it away, the more I was able to release the attachment to it. I could see my life objectively as if I were looking at other people’s lives.
I tried to make other people’s thoughts mine by reading books. I wanted to learn and acquire new things to fill the emptiness with a sense of accomplishment. I had a decent job and lived a life of sincerity, but I was always obsessed with achievement and success. After looking back on my life, I realized that the answer to all the problems is in me. Tears flowed down without realizing it. All the answers to the questions I’ve been looking for were in me all this time. Since I have found a way to find the meaning of life, I don’t need to wonder anymore.
Through meditation, I realized that the ‘me’ or the self that I thought I was, was not the true me but just an image of me that I created in my mind. I realized that if I abandoned that false self, the original self would remain there. After realizing my true nature, I realized that the life I lived so far was not the true self, but the false self, like the shadow of a tree is not the real tree itself. This image of me was not the true me, but a fake me.
The true me appeared naturally as the false me disappeared. I always tried to add things to myself all my life grabbing for things. But then I realized the answer was in letting go of everything. It was so comfortable; I was free to be one with my true self. When I opened my eyes, I could see the oneness of everything and everybody. There was nothing that is not me. Moon in the sky. Trees. Grass. It was just one. The moment I became one with the real me, life itself became so beautiful. It was whole and complete. The futility disappeared completely.
The meaning of life is, after all, the meaning of existence. Everything I had done was in vain because I was incomplete. After abandoning the fake me through meditation, the real remained, and I became whole. Once experiencing this, I no longer had any questions or curiosity. Everything became so clear. There is so much happiness and satisfaction to see and accept the world as it is. When I became a complete being, the futility disappeared, and I lived in the world always happy to just do whatever I needed to do.
The meaning of life is all within me. There is no truth or happiness in the world. Everything has to be found within me. If it could be obtained from outside, we would have already achieved it and would already be happy and complete, but it is not outside. It is a meaningful life to abandon the false me who is incomplete and live as the true complete me. It is the most important and meaningful thing in life.
I sincerely hope that this video will help you find meaning in your life. Thank you.
by Sophie Hwang / Former Project manager of developing S/W system
