Santa Clara Meditation Find Your True Self – Who am I? Who am I, why am I living here, and where will I go after I die?
These are the three fundamental questions about life that I always thought of. I think the question, who am I, was the heaviest on my mind. Who am I, what is this me? When someone calls my name, I look back and think, is this name me? What is it that defines me? My body changes over time, and my mind changes like the tides as well. Even something that I was so sure about in the morning can change in the afternoon depending on circumstances. If you look at the sky, clouds flow in the sky, the clouds’ shapes vary, and clouds float in the wind. Everything in the world changes just as the sky changes. But is there something constant and eternal existence in the world?
I was good at singing when I was very young, like before elementary school. I was able to learn songs from the radio. When I listened only once or twice, I could memorize the song lyrics. My family and neighbors around me complimented me for singing well. I enjoyed listening to talent shows on the radio, especially when children sang. I wished I could join the competition and I envied the children who won the awards. I always told myself that I should have been that kid. I’m just a poor kid who sings well, and I felt it was unfair that my parents couldn’t support me to be a great singer.
In school, I was usually asked to sing in front of my classmates. And I used to sing in front of so many crowds whenever the school had special events. Many teachers and classmates told me that I should be on TV with such talent. Whenever I sang, I was so happy and joyful, and I felt like I was the best. As I grew up, I wanted to take vocal lessons and study music more deeply. But I was the oldest child in a low-income family, and I couldn’t fulfill my dream. I didn’t have a chance to get a proper music education.
I had to give up my dream, and I went to the regular high school. Around that time, I worked hard at the church, and there was a high school choir competition that other churches also participated in. I participated as a representative of our church, and after school, I went to church and practiced hard.
There was a granddaughter of my pastor in the church. She was around my age, and she was taking lessons to major in vocal music. She also participated in the same contest that I was joining. The day of the competition had come, and all the participants had finished singing. Only the awards ceremony remained. I heard the third and second prize winners, but my name was not there. My heart was beating so loud. I believed that there was no way that I would not get any award at all. I thought I was the winner. When they announced the final winner’s name, I got up and went forward without realizing it, and I received the prize. I could not hear anything in my ears. When I came back to my seat, I found that the final winner was not me but my pastor’s granddaughter.
I was so embarrassed for what I had done and kept on blaming myself for doing that. I couldn’t leave the place until everyone else left for the shame. That night, I cried all night long. What happened that night made me sad for a long time and filled with guilt and shame. That event remained in my subconscious for a long time. My head kept on screaming, “why did I do that?” “How could you be such a fool?” I couldn’t stop being upset with myself. I hated myself so much.
When I got older, one day, I saw an excerpt from a book, “People don’t see what they see, they see what they want to see. They listen to what they want to hear.” After seeing that, I was able to understand why I did what I did. My ego and pride saying that I should always be better than others made me believe that I was in the 1st place. My body moved subconsciously to receive the award. The name I thought I heard was not real, but my mind made a fake voice. I was terrified that what I saw, heard, felt, and said could not be true but could be distorted information. What I created in my head could feel more real than reality.
When I found out that it is an illusion that I have created, I started to ask myself deep questions like: “What is my purpose in life?” “What is true and what is false?” People mistakenly believe that they are right. Two people can have different interpretations of the same thing even within the same space and time, and I was like that. I wanted to find the answers to these questions. That time was the start of my quest for finding the true meaning of life.
Among several attempts to find answers to my questions, I finally found some light. My friend introduced me to meditation. Meditation was a way to reflect on me and let go of all the illusory minds to find out who I truly am. I wanted to find the answers to “Who I am?” “How good or bad I have lived?” After looking back on myself and clearing out the illusions I held in my mind, I gradually found the answers. What I realized from the meditation is the following.
- Since I was born into this world, I accumulated pictures of all my experiences. So, I was not living in the real world but the world of those pictures.
- And I had lived holding regret and shame from the past. But, after I let go of those pictures that were the cause of my shame, I could forgive myself.
- Now, I don’t hold on to the past, so I am always in the present. All my curiosity about myself and life has resolved entirely.
- All I have to do is focus on now and do my best in whatever I do.
The more I abandoned the self that I hated so much, the more I became free and happy. After the meditation session, I could breathe more freely. Gradually I became a new person after I had realized that I had lived with misconceptions of who I was.
I was so thankful; I became a person that is true and happy. While meditating, the true me appeared, and the false me disappeared. It became so clear that I had finally become my true self and could see that this true self is a never-changing and eternal existence. I shed tears of gratitude during meditation. Now the journey to find the true me is over; my quest has been accomplished. I wish everyone could feel the same appreciation that I got from throwing away the false self and finding the true self.
Finally, I would like to share this video clip, and I think you will like it. Thank you for reading my answer. 🙂
by Sophie Hwang / Former Project manager of developing S/W
