Santa Clara Meditation Invest in Yourself – Zero Anxiety! No More Worries About the Future
Jin Won Lee / College Student
‘”I will be the CEO of one of the world’s leading multinational companies, and I speak multiple foreign languages as well as have the expertise to make the smartest decisions. Then I will help the poor with the money I make.” This was a mission, not an option for me. As I went to the university, I had a strong will to be at the top so I studied hard in both my major and the English language to accomplish my goal. And I tried to get the so-called “job specs” such as getting high scores on the TOEIC and passing the transfer exam. I thought of myself as an enterprising person. However, I was always anxious and nervous.
As my obsession got bigger, my goals were getting away. I had painful days
The gap between reality and my ideal life caused a lot of nervousness and anxiety. My obsession continued to grow like a snowball, and the psychological pain became more extreme. I had to take a break even after just taking a one-hour class. My body was always tense and rigid with the obsession that I should completely understand the contents of the lecture. I had a great sense of inferiority always comparing myself with other students, and always watching others’ eyes when presenting. By the end of class, I would be exhausted and felt helpless.
The goal I was trying to achieve was getting farther away. I tried to change this obsession, but the more I tried, it seemed to get more painful. It was a terrible thing to keep living with this mind, and eventually, I started looking for a solution.
I visited the Student Counseling Center on campus and was temporarily relieved during this six-month counseling period. But nothing changed in the long run. I knew what I should do with my head, but it didn’t change the habits that were moving me. It was unexpected that my father would present the solution to me. He said that he learned about a type of meditation through a book, and he recommended it to me. I dropped everything I was doing and went to the center to practice meditation.
Can the minds we carry really be thrown away? I asked several times before I started practicing
This method of meditation made sense and seemed easy for anyone to follow, so I wanted to try it. Still, I could not believe that there was a way to get away from the pain I had been suffering from. I asked the instructors several times, “Can the mind really be thrown away?” The more I practiced, the more I was convinced that my mind was just made of pictures of my life experience and as a result, I was not living in true reality. This false mind, so to speak, quite seriously was a useless illusion and the cause of all my suffering. Through this meditation, I could actually let go of it.
Of course, it was not easy to throw away this mind. I was meticulous and a perfectionist, so it took me more days than others to look back on my life and let go of the false images that I was holding onto in my mind. I felt that meditating was difficult since I was imagining myself changing right after each meditation session but constantly doubting whether I was doing it properly.
I was shocked many times while meditating when I saw the roots of my mind. Less than two weeks after I started meditating, I found that when I was a child, I promised myself that I would pay back people, who looked down on me by becoming a successful person. I rationalized this by saying that I wanted to succeed to help others. The real mind deep inside of me was now revealed.
I was always nervous and anxious because I set vain goals
I was so obsessed with success because I wanted to show others and wanted to be recognized by the world. “I had been so selfish, always thinking that I’ve been living for others.” I wept tears of regret after I realized that my perfectionism was nothing more than something to hide behind.
I could clearly see the root of my nervousness, anxiety, and obsession that caused me so much pain. I was always stuck with my own standards and goals, not realistic goals but the goals I set in my mind. Not because I had a natural desire for those goals but only to satisfy childish emotions. I was spinning my wheels with a narrow mind, burning my energy and nerves focusing on the slightest results and stressing over them. What I had to do was just do my best and accept the results.
As I continued meditation even the skin tone of my face began to improve as the countless unconscious thoughts that moved me were discarded. Now, I find that I can do anything I just start by moving my body and everything seems to flow effortlessly and effectively. It’s fun to do anything without worry and useless thoughts. It’s also a bonus that I can focus easier on the major that I hated. Even in class, I am now satisfied with what I understand, and I am much more comfortable and efficient. I’m less nervous when I’m giving a presentation, and no longer watch people’s eyes. My new self, who knows how to accept myself just as I am, is so amazing.
I feel so stupid when I think about myself who was worried about future problems that never came. The mind that I have now and the action that I am taking now are truly in line with who I am. Since I am focused and living in the present and not in some fantasy about the future, I don’t need to be fooled by false minds, and be anxious, irritated, or worried anymore.
