Santa Clara Meditation Letting Go – Letting Go Of My Hostility Towards Men
Seohyun Lee / Office worker
“For me, men were always competition. Since my school days, I had to beat them. At work, I didn’t listen to my male colleague’s suggestions. I believed that men were useless. Then, on TV, I saw the actress Soo-na Lee say that her hatred for her husband had disappeared and her mind had become comfortable after meditating.”
How I Became Hostile Towards Men
The first step in meditation was to throw away the remembered thoughts that were stored in my mind. A memory of having breakfast when I was young was the first thing that came to my mind. I remember a morning that my mother had cooked some delicious fish. As soon as I grabbed the fish, my mother howled with rage, “How can a girl eat first!?” My parents had given birth to me when they were in their 40s. I was the youngest and had two older brothers. In our household, the idea that men were superior to women was strong.
“How can my mother say this kind of thing about eating?” I wondered. I was deeply hurt and didn’t eat fish again for a while after that. Since then, I have looked at everything in life through that experience. I distorted my brothers’ behavior and my parents’ love through my own gender discrimination. If I didn’t get what I wanted, I blamed my parents, saying that it was because they cared more about my brothers.
When I removed the “pictures” in my mind, my real mind was gradually revealed. On the surface, it seemed like I was a good and kind person. But deep in my mind, there was a sense of pain from feeling unloved. This pain was especially hurtful towards men. From that point, I was very critical and hostile.
After abandoning those minds, I realized that men and women were all part of the world and equally precious. I began to truly see the love of my parents who cared for their youngest daughter, even though they didn’t have enough money. It seems that I am now becoming a person who can see and accept other people as they are.
