Sanata Clara Meditation Inferiority – Overcoming My Inferiority Of Being Over Weight
Kang-Woo Park / Seoul National University Student
When I was in high school, there was no nice way to put it, I was fat and I had no self-control. All I wanted to do was to eat and I’m the type of person who can put on the pounds very easily. People would talk behind my back about how over weight I was. My classmates would say that I was as fat as an old man. There was a time when people told me that I was handsome, so you can imagine how shocked I was. The simple truth was that I was fat. I’d always been fat and I just couldn’t hide it.
My inferiority about my weight didn’t go away when I attended college
As soon as I started college, I decided to join a gym. I managed to lose about 20 pounds within two months. It didn’t matter. I soon realized that even though I’d slimmed down physically, my mind was still obsessing over my weight. I was anxious about gaining weight again, so I kept on exercising every morning. I was afraid of regaining my weight. Even if people didn’t say anything about me being fat, or looking like a fat old man, my heart and my mind still carried the scars from my past.
When I got into college, I really thought anything was possible. Even regarding my studies, I found that there were many people who were really talented and smart around me. I became frustrated when I realized that I would be competing in class with the smartest students in South Korea. I became depressed.
To hide my inferiority, I started paying more attention to my personal appearance and my style. I spent my time researching fashion and going around to high-end stores to buy the hippest outfits and coolest clothing. I wouldn’t leave my house unless I was decked out in them from head to toe. I bought new gear all the time but never wore the same thing twice. I wanted to wrap myself in a new image every day. If there was one item in my outfit that I didn’t like, it annoyed me and I wouldn’t be confident meeting others.
I realized the Oneness through meditation, my inferiority disappeared
I discovered this meditation during my summer break. I decided I would finally take a deep look at all of my complexes and inferiorities that I’d been trying to hide. I thought about all the shocking things people used to say about my weight. I thought of all the people who ignored me and hurt my feelings. I eventually let go of everything little by little.
Slowly, my mind began to relax and, at one point, I really enlightened that we are all from the same place – the Universe. We are all one! This was a very interesting experience for me and it also made a huge difference in my life. When I was lost in my own mind world, it was difficult to see this because I was so trapped within my thoughts of my self. As soon as my mind world was broken up, I saw no distinction between me and the world and everything became one. At this point, my inferiority was gone.
No matter how good the false looks, it’s still false, the Truth always shines
Since that moment, I’ve been more confident about who I am and don’t feel like it’s necessary to cover anything up about myself. I’m much more comfortable dealing with people now that I gave up worrying about my appearance and my weight problem. I remember telling my friends how uncomfortable I was hiding all my inferiority and they thought I looked so cynical, but now I’ve become so humble and comfortable to be around. One friend even told me that his impression of me before was that I was kind of harsh, but after meditating, their impression of me is that I’m much softer and brighter.
I feel like my energy and vibe are changing because I feel comfortable with my self now. Because the false is still false, no matter how good the false looks, it’s still false. But Truth always shines. I lived in a world of the false before. I had a false life that made me feel false things. Fortunately, I was able to get out of that false world. Now, I feel like living my life in the real world.
