Santa Clara Meditation Relationships – My Tic Disorder Disappeared
Joohyun Choi / High School Student
Middle school was the worst time in my life. Starting the winter of 8th grade, I had to really start studying and I was at my most sensitive so I argued with my friends about small things, getting into big fights with them at least one or two times per year. All day long I would remember my classmates passing me by, their eyes looking at me, and the way they spoke to me. I became more and more timid.
Due to my stress from my relationships with my friends, I started to get a tic disorder
I was more concerned about my appearance to fill my shortcomings. Do you think I am fat? Which clothes look better on me? Etc. I was endlessly asking those around me. Since I lived with so many thoughts, it’s no wonder my stomach kept giving me poking pain and whenever I came home, I would just sleep. One day, as I sat down to eat breakfast, my hand began to shake.
“Why is my hand shaking like this?” My dad said it was because I had so many bad things going on in my mind.
At that moment, tears come to my eyes. He was right. At that time, I was the biggest chunk of stress and sensitivity. After that, whenever there was something I had to concentrate on, I would get a tic in my neck. Waiting at the stop light, right before getting off the bus while waiting standing there, standing in the cafeteria line at school, I felt people were looking only at me. No matter how hard I tried, my neck just kept moving on its own.
As I worried about how people might look at me, I shook more. I was eager to throw away my difficult minds. So I decided to try this meditation, a meditation that my mom had mentioned to me before. As I meditated and looked back on the time that had passed, I remembered an incident in elementary school. Among my friends and I, we had a secret. But without realizing it was a secret, I went and told people. After that, my friends alienated me. It was a very intense memory and after that, I was neglected by my best friends.
My tic disorder disappeared! I was surprised and so were my friends
I even recalled the moments in middle school when my friends made me into a weird person. I had outbursts of anger that came up to the point that I wanted to beat up my friend who bothered me. But I threw away even those minds. As I threw those minds away, I realized that they were false minds. Even my reason for getting a tic disorder was because I was so sensitive, worrying only about others, tiredly living like this. I realized I just needed to throw away that mind.
While attending school, I would occasionally go meditate. Then during vacation, I went to the youth camp. And when school started again, my friends were surprised. First, not only did my acne disappear and my face become brighter, but also, my tic disorder disappeared. I kept getting surprised from the changes, which only I knew about.
Eating was difficult, but at some point I no longer had to worry about my stomach and was digesting well. I became calm about the things going on around me. In the cafeteria line, if even a little unfamiliar and anxious mind came up, I would just tell myself “this doesn’t exist” and threw that mind away and was fine the next second.
Now, I don’t avoid the stop light or the bus station. Because in the original mind, that anxiety doesn’t exist. I just immediately throw away that me who is anxious and walk confidently. Lately, a lot of classmates are having a hard time due to physical bullying at school. Don’t deal with the hardships on your own, rather find help from those around you. I wish you could quickly throw away those minds and not be so frustrated. I wish you can know that life isn’t just something difficult to live in. I hope you can find hope in it.
