Santa Clara Meditation Enlightenment – The Troubles and Doubts That Had Been Constantly Plaguing Me Have Disappeared
Yuna
From a certain time ago, my mind started to be so complicated, so I had been unable to concentrate on anything. I couldn’t work well. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t listen to friends and family and even couldn’t take a rest. I always seemed to be a slave of my endless thoughts and unconsciously worked hard at constantly filling my life.
So I lived without a break. I tried hard to work out and study with constantly looking for new hobbies, meeting people, traveling on a regular basis and reading books, all in the name of finding a method to control my mind. However, all of those only provided temporary relief and left me with an empty void. In the end, I felt the great despair and frustration without knowing how I was supposed to live. It seemed that there was absolutely no solution. I could not even believe my own words, thoughts and resolutions.
At that time, my mother recommended me to meditate at a local meditation center. When I visited the center, I didn’t spend much time. But during the short period of meditation, I felt that my mind was emptied and relaxed. I also felt as though the answers to the questions I had been seeking through various self-help and religious books were being solved.
However, I realized that although I had been suffering from all of my attachments, it was difficult to put down everything I had been holding on to. So I thought that I would just have to courageously finish this study. However, it was much harder than I expected to let go of the attachment to my house, money, profession, friends and lovers. Right before letting go of these attachments from the mind thought, I thought it was unfair to lose it all, and I was worried and afraid to let go of it. But since I could not work, I could not rest with doubting everything, I didn’t want to live life as I previously had. Finally I decided to go to the meditation main center and started over again from level 1.
I think it was half anticipation and anxiety and half fear for me in the first meditation session. Longer meditation sessions were quite physically demanding and it took a great deal of mental energy. At one point, my mind went blank and numb without me even realizing it. However, I soon mustered up all my heart and although I did not do well, I tried hard. When I had looked back on my life about 10 times, I realized that it was not me who was doing the meditation, and after that I was able to relax and let the meditation just flow.
I needed a lot of time to look back on my life, because I had so many pictures/thoughts of general anxiety and anxiety about life. Even though the meditation required a lot of energy, when my sleep time was reduced by half, I was surprised that I was not as tired as before.
At this point, after completing one week of the meditation program, I feel that many troubles and questions that had been constantly harassing me have been severed. Although I am not at the point where I can be completely aware of the thoughts and stop them in their tracks, still, now I know the method to discard the thoughts. Now that I know there is a way to escape from my useless thoughts, I am no longer afraid. Although the road ahead of me is quite long, they say simply starting is half the battle. As the meditation helper says, I will gather up my strength without being greedy, and just finish the study until the end according to nature’s flow.
